Tuesday, November 11, 2008
I don't post enough
This much is true.
It's cause I try to post for you and not for me.
I'm going to change that. I will post what's on my mind.
Today is a strange day because last night I took a standard dosage of Zyrtec and it messed me up. Allergy medicine does something strange to me. I've been drowsy all day and feeling awfully weird inside. It's a hard feeling to describe but it's something like eating bad fish.
Last night I had a dream that I just said, "Aw fuck it." and had me a spicy chicken sandwich. It was so good, but so guilty. Rob cheered me on though. I knew I'd be sick but I didn't have to face those repercussions due to the fact that it was indeed a dream. I love dreaming.
I'm living in a new house. In fact, it's the first time I've ever lived in a house. I lived with Mike in a house but it didn't feel like it was mine. I only rented a room then. Now the house is mine. And my sisters. My sister headed back down here from Minnesota to be near family and so we're living together. It's hard to get used to living with somebody again. There's a certain peace I used to get from coming home to the same house I left. It's hard to explain, but I'm sure this will be a good experience for me. I seem to have forgotten how to be with people.
Four years ago I never stressed out about money. I went to school, crashed on my grandmothers couch, and ate a vegan cookie, a vitamin water, and a vegetarian beef jerky for lunch every day. I never had money to worry about, I took the CTA, and I think I was a happier person for it. Now I make a generous wage for someone of my age, limited work history, and lack of a degree. I live in a house with one roommate. The economy is in a funk. I am stressed out.
Obviously it's going to take time for my sister to get back up on her feet. She moved here with a car of possessions and a cat. I'm very happy I can help out my little sister in the meantime. And she has had luck finding a job. But until she has a steady income ~80% of my salary goes towards rent. Doesn't leave me a whole lot of room to pay credit cards, buy furniture, or save.
And this scares me.
Money has certainly changed the person I am. I long for the simpler days of not having money, and being oblivious to it. The more money I get the more money I need and it bothers me. I surround myself with stuff instead of something more meaningful. I feel trapped and in a way I am. How can I get rid of all this stuff? I need it. I am become stuff. Also there's that lease. Maybe I could bring myself to sell it, save up some money, and in a years time leave my job and travel the world. I certainly haven't done enough living in my 25 years, that's for sure.
By the time I was 25 I was supposed to have done one or all of the following:
- Lived in Japan
- Lived in Ireland
- Invented a flying machine
- Become one of the three ninjas
- Gone to space
- Met a dinosaur
- Become a fighter pilot
- Finish college
Of all my childhood aspirations the only one I've really accomplished was driving a car. And according to my 3rd grade time capsule project my grandmother saved, I wanted to do that by the time I was 16, took me 21 years instead and I only ended up doing it out of necessity. That time capsule project was actually a little scary. Under "What scares you the most?" I wrote "National Debt". Where was I getting this stuff?
Point is, I'm a completely different person from the one I was when I was 4, or 10, or 12, or 18, or two minutes ago. I never felt like I really found any sort of identity. My memories and recollections of events are something like remembering the synopsis of a movie. I feel disassociated from myself. Maybe I'm a clone.
Really, it's a little scary. It's also one of the things I like most about keeping a blog. Sometimes I read back through my LiveJournal postings which date back to 2002. Each entry becomes a gateway to a flood of memories. I remember the days, the emotions, and the thoughts of my past. Without a written record I end up forgetting myself. I don't know if I have a particularly bad memory or if I'm just more honest about how little I know myself than most people are.
Anyway, this is the part where I apologize to the reader about my terrible prose, sentence structure, and random thought writing. But the hell with it. This thing is for me. ¶ 12:40 AM
It's cause I try to post for you and not for me.
I'm going to change that. I will post what's on my mind.
Today is a strange day because last night I took a standard dosage of Zyrtec and it messed me up. Allergy medicine does something strange to me. I've been drowsy all day and feeling awfully weird inside. It's a hard feeling to describe but it's something like eating bad fish.
Last night I had a dream that I just said, "Aw fuck it." and had me a spicy chicken sandwich. It was so good, but so guilty. Rob cheered me on though. I knew I'd be sick but I didn't have to face those repercussions due to the fact that it was indeed a dream. I love dreaming.
I'm living in a new house. In fact, it's the first time I've ever lived in a house. I lived with Mike in a house but it didn't feel like it was mine. I only rented a room then. Now the house is mine. And my sisters. My sister headed back down here from Minnesota to be near family and so we're living together. It's hard to get used to living with somebody again. There's a certain peace I used to get from coming home to the same house I left. It's hard to explain, but I'm sure this will be a good experience for me. I seem to have forgotten how to be with people.
Four years ago I never stressed out about money. I went to school, crashed on my grandmothers couch, and ate a vegan cookie, a vitamin water, and a vegetarian beef jerky for lunch every day. I never had money to worry about, I took the CTA, and I think I was a happier person for it. Now I make a generous wage for someone of my age, limited work history, and lack of a degree. I live in a house with one roommate. The economy is in a funk. I am stressed out.
Obviously it's going to take time for my sister to get back up on her feet. She moved here with a car of possessions and a cat. I'm very happy I can help out my little sister in the meantime. And she has had luck finding a job. But until she has a steady income ~80% of my salary goes towards rent. Doesn't leave me a whole lot of room to pay credit cards, buy furniture, or save.
And this scares me.
Money has certainly changed the person I am. I long for the simpler days of not having money, and being oblivious to it. The more money I get the more money I need and it bothers me. I surround myself with stuff instead of something more meaningful. I feel trapped and in a way I am. How can I get rid of all this stuff? I need it. I am become stuff. Also there's that lease. Maybe I could bring myself to sell it, save up some money, and in a years time leave my job and travel the world. I certainly haven't done enough living in my 25 years, that's for sure.
By the time I was 25 I was supposed to have done one or all of the following:
- Lived in Japan
- Lived in Ireland
- Invented a flying machine
- Become one of the three ninjas
- Gone to space
- Met a dinosaur
- Become a fighter pilot
- Finish college
Of all my childhood aspirations the only one I've really accomplished was driving a car. And according to my 3rd grade time capsule project my grandmother saved, I wanted to do that by the time I was 16, took me 21 years instead and I only ended up doing it out of necessity. That time capsule project was actually a little scary. Under "What scares you the most?" I wrote "National Debt". Where was I getting this stuff?
Point is, I'm a completely different person from the one I was when I was 4, or 10, or 12, or 18, or two minutes ago. I never felt like I really found any sort of identity. My memories and recollections of events are something like remembering the synopsis of a movie. I feel disassociated from myself. Maybe I'm a clone.
Really, it's a little scary. It's also one of the things I like most about keeping a blog. Sometimes I read back through my LiveJournal postings which date back to 2002. Each entry becomes a gateway to a flood of memories. I remember the days, the emotions, and the thoughts of my past. Without a written record I end up forgetting myself. I don't know if I have a particularly bad memory or if I'm just more honest about how little I know myself than most people are.
Anyway, this is the part where I apologize to the reader about my terrible prose, sentence structure, and random thought writing. But the hell with it. This thing is for me. ¶ 12:40 AM
Comments:
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Correct. You don't. Do.
First off, allergy medicine is all I need if I want to be tired for several days so I know how you're feeling.
Very funny how when you don't need to be worried about the economy, you are. but when you're worried about money the economy doesn't really matter as much.
People talk about packing up and traveling the world. That is not for me though. I would be content to take a year off and read, write (code) and probably do a bit of travelling but my break wouldn't be predominately travel.
You had the Ireland chance. Sucka.
Think about the things that you have done though, that you didn't think you would. Things like "Hung out with the coolest person ever, Joe" or "Worked for the coolest company you ever could have." I could be biased with those things. When I was a kid I wanted to be a famous [sic] programmer...
National Debt? Really? Hahaha. I think I am more afraid of things now than when I was in 3rd grade. Raptors, Zombies, etc. Bad times are near.
You are one of the more unique people I know Jeff. It is great to read what is on your mind. Keep it up; worry about the content not the prose or structure. (Well, worry about them, but afterwards and don't let that stop you from posting.)
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First off, allergy medicine is all I need if I want to be tired for several days so I know how you're feeling.
Very funny how when you don't need to be worried about the economy, you are. but when you're worried about money the economy doesn't really matter as much.
People talk about packing up and traveling the world. That is not for me though. I would be content to take a year off and read, write (code) and probably do a bit of travelling but my break wouldn't be predominately travel.
You had the Ireland chance. Sucka.
Think about the things that you have done though, that you didn't think you would. Things like "Hung out with the coolest person ever, Joe" or "Worked for the coolest company you ever could have." I could be biased with those things. When I was a kid I wanted to be a famous [sic] programmer...
National Debt? Really? Hahaha. I think I am more afraid of things now than when I was in 3rd grade. Raptors, Zombies, etc. Bad times are near.
You are one of the more unique people I know Jeff. It is great to read what is on your mind. Keep it up; worry about the content not the prose or structure. (Well, worry about them, but afterwards and don't let that stop you from posting.)
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